insights for helping children with their grief

Dr Phillip A Rees

The following are 10 basic insights and suggestions on how to help children and their grief.

  1. Feelings of other family members should not be hidden from the children. Children often need to know what others are experiencing, in order that they can express their own inner feelings and emotions.
  2. Children need to understand that their feelings are important. They need to be given time to share these.
  3. Other members of the family should not deny their feelings; they should not be reluctant to cry in front of a child.
  4. Do not deflect the emotions of a child by saying,"Don't cry" or " Don't be upset".
    It does not help to tell the child what they ought to be doing or feeling. An adult is unable to repress their emotional responses, and it would be wrong to try and do this with a child.
  5. Talk about the deceased. Share the common feelings about him or her. Remember them as they were. Assure the child that the deceased is still special to them, even in death.
  6. Share the meaning of grief in terms of its pain. A child needs to know that their feelings of hurt and pain will not go away overnight.
  7. It may not help the child to be told that someone has, 'fallen asleep and did not wake up', or that someone has been 'lost'. Both of these statements could cause long-lasting psychological damage if taken on board by the child.
  8. A child may tell you that they have felt the presence of the deceased. Don't dismiss this sharing, but listen to the child.
  9. A bereavement for a child can lead to a loss of personal confidence. Look for ways of helping, by encouraging their stronger talents and abilities.
  10. Practical help may need to be offered, e.g. if the child is suddenly afraid of the dark, following a death, then leaving a light on may help the child begin to overcome these fears.

Where appropriate, these insights should be shared with parents, so that they might help their children through the grief process.